Let the train cause the strain

A New Zealand railway journey turns into a nostalgic exploration of heart-warming memories.

I REMEMBER childhood train journeys in the spine-jamming rolling-stock of British Rail rattling between Maidenhead and Paddington.

The fabric seats had large patches of embedded chewing gum worn smooth by endless commuter bums, carriage doors slammed with a comforting clunk and enough momentum to take the arm off a baby, and the heating system burned your feet while leaving frost on your forehead.

Clearly I would want such an outcome, probably so I could sue Kiwi-Rail for the $21 fare.

And enough has been written about the heyday of British Rail catering to fill the Circle line between Kensington and Baker Street, and I gather the half-life of a pre-1970 pie crust is not-disimilar to the Uranium-238 waste of Sellarfield nuclear power station.

Yet the post-war train system, and British Rail, hold an inexplicable place in most UK hearts despite the leaf-delayed trains, Jimmy Saville advertising, filthy, tobacco-impregnated travelling conditions, and inexplicably cancelled services replaced by dilapidated buses.

So what a pleasant surprise to find that thirty years on, Tranz-metro, part of the New Zealand rail operator, Kiwi Rail, is filling the gaping void in British hearts left by the privatisation of UK trains.

I discovered this nostalgic fact on a journey with my children from Wellington to Carterton and back last weekend.

Thriving connections
Now Carterton, it must be said, is not the largest city in the world. But as a market town in the commercially important Wairarapa district and just within the Wellington commuter belt (see recent article on commuting in NZ), you might expect a healthy number of trains chugging through the Rimutuka rail tunnel beating the pulse of regional life.

Err... not really. There is one train from Wellington in the morning and a couple more later in the afternoon. There are more services for the pensioners' Dartmoor-Torquay shopping trip than between NZ's capital city and one of its nearest towns. If it's a pulse, the patient is dying.

But no matter. This was a trip for pleasure and despite confusion over where to get off because some of the stations don't seem to be named after the towns they serve and drivers can randomly decide not to stop, (oh, and the coffee machine didn't work), we duly arrived, pretty much on time.

BR, the Return
It was on the way home that things took a turn for the worse.

At 8:05am (the only Saturday morning service) and with the mercury barely touching five degrees, I boarded the train with two screaming children. Try to imagine stuffing an angry octopus into a New World plastic bag and you'll have some idea of how it can be to get a three-year-old and a five-year-old onto a train when they have better ideas. And this, all as a result of a dispute over a batman car and a plastic horse.

You could feel the tension as other passenger lifted bags onto empty seats and stared firmly out of the window to avoid eye contact.

We tantrummed our way through the full carriage and finally found an empty table. (Tables are essential for family travel on a train. They enable drawing, eating, games, playing, and they are a very good reason to take the train in the first place.)

The guard was friendly enough, and I bought my ticket for Wellington amid the high-pitched squealing, disorderly conduct, and passenger bad-looks.

But it was at Upper Hutt the real fun began.

After finally settling the kids into some sort of gentle order, suddenly, without warning, the train emptied.

We continued out colouring game, guess the picture, I think it was, as the last passenger sidled out, but I had the first inkling of things not being as they should.

I waited for a guard, unable to leave the children.

I waited...

It seemed like an age...

Deserted
Finally I said to the children I would be right back, since I was worried the train would just pull away to who-knew-where, when we should be somewhere else, and poked my head out of the carriage door.

There was nobody on the platform.

I went back to the kids, "Gather your belongings," I said. I have to admit I was starting to panic, the way I did as a child when I thought I might be on the wrong bus.

I poked my head out again and saw the driver at the far end of the train. "SHOULD I GET OUT!" I shouted.

"You're supposed to get the bus!"

"You could have made an announcement."

"We came round three times," he said.

It was therefore my fault. I had deliberately ignored the conductors and sat with my children on a train destined for an extended wait in the Upper Hutt sidings. Clearly I would want such an outcome, probably so I could sue Kiwi-Rail for the $21 fare.

In a state of furious irritation I gathered the children and walked round round the ticket office, unaided to the waiting transport.

Naturally, by now, the non-stop Wellington coach was full.

Trip to the past
We were directed to a nineteen-fifties ex-Thames Valley jalopy -- complete with chewing gum-enhanced seating, open-air skylights and a driver-only heating system -- which proceeded through the freezing fog at 20kmh from Upper Hutt to Wellington via every train-halt and back route station in the vain hope there might be others to pick up. (There wasn't.)

I sat with the bewildered children huddled on the seat for warmth.

"Why are we on a bus?" asked my little girl.

"To make me feel at home," I replied.

Post Script: I asked Tranz-metro to comment and they replied: "Your email to Tranz Metro has been received and has been entered into our complaint tracking system."

Comments

[Sarah]

Brilliant nostalgic and descriptive writing - I felt like I was right there (except I really wouldn't have liked to have been in your shoes!). Sounds like you coped admirably, given the circumstances!

[Domestic Executive]

Opphs, seems you picked the weekend for engineering works! The biggest thing wrong with kiwi railways is the lack of public information and communications systems. You can be left stranded for ages without knowing what goes on. Still next time you're stranded in Upper Hutt let me know and I'll come and rescue you!

[Avalon]

Is it wrong that I laughed all the way through that???

This is the service we use to get into Wellington, and despite its odd foibles (like lack of trains on the Weekend) its probably the best train by far in the whole of New Zealand. On saying that - I have never even thought of braving the coffee on board.

This is also the upgraded version. Hubbys first trip on the Wairarapa line was on the old carriages. I went to meet him at Matarawa. The train pulled up and he didnt get off. I swore vehemently at him all the way to Carterton, as he had obviously forgotten I was meeting him there.

Turned out the doors were so stiff you actually had to open them BEFORE the train reached the station, or you couldnt get out.

One day i'll blog about our less-than-comfy experience on the overlander :)

[Avalon]

Is it wrong that I laughed all the way through that???

This is the service we use to get into Wellington, and despite its odd foibles (like lack of trains on the Weekend) its probably the best train by far in the whole of New Zealand. On saying that - I have never even thought of braving the coffee on board.

This is also the upgraded version. Hubbys first trip on the Wairarapa line was on the old carriages. I went to meet him at Matarawa. The train pulled up and he didnt get off. I swore vehemently at him all the way to Carterton, as he had obviously forgotten I was meeting him there.

Turned out the doors were so stiff you actually had to open them BEFORE the train reached the station, or you couldnt get out.

One day i'll blog about our less-than-comfy experience on the overlander :)

[William Knight]

I hope there's an element of humour in there, but you're not supposed to laugh too hard.

[Alan]

Well, you did pick the weekend to travel. There's a whole three trains during the week to get into Wellington. 5 something am! 6:43 & 7:08! Such choice. More than I had when travelling from Hereford to London for the day. Which took 3+ hours home to central London.
Hey, a train during daylight hours! Luxury! The weekday commuter trains are still traveling in the dark before we head through the tunnel past featherston.
Still the carriages on the Wairarapa line are actually reconditioned intercity125 carriages.
We get heating, loads of lighting, comfy seats and power points at every seat. This is as good as 1st class on the new virgin trains in the uk. Just without the catering.

I was about to say at least you weren't ok a bus replacement service! LoL, sorry. :)
Till you've experienced the 1950's bus replacement service going all the way Wellington to carterton including the hill journey, you just ain't lived!
:)
Really good article - I enjoyed it. Heck at least you didn't have to do a days work after that journey.
Keep up the writing.

[Patricia]

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Patricia

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